Last week I was lucky enough to have an opportunity to sit down with Santa Claus and shoot the shit about some popular Christmas songs. He’s a super guy, and I’m still kinda in disbelief that I got to meet him. Here’s what he had to say:
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Undeniably cute, but so much of this one has been manufactured out of lies, which is just upsetting. One of my reindeer is named Rudolph, and yes, his nose does shine because of a skin condition. Other than that, though, this business about the other reindeer laughing and calling him names, about Rudolph guiding my sleigh, is pure bullshit. All the reindeer guide my sleigh. I don’t have favorites.
There’s two kinds of songs I hate: songs about instruments and songs about weather. This one is both. ‘Nuff said.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Look, I’m not a perfect person, but if I were going to mess around while traveling for business, it definitely wouldn’t be with a woman who has kids. Not that I’m saying I would mess around with anyone–I love Deirdre, I love my children–but this song gets me a bit hot under the collar because these are such harmful, accusatory words. The idea of me–while on the clock—taking time to make out with a mom, in a spot where her kids could just walk downstairs and see us? Disgusting. I’ve talked with my lawyer at length about a libel lawsuit, but she says doing that would actually make me seem more guilty. Fuck it, you know? Sometimes you just can’t win.
“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”
Easily one of my favorites. Hilarious concept, beautiful execution. (Oh, wow, no pun intended.) I happen to like dark humor, though, which I know isn’t for everyone. This is an example where the fact that it’s based on an incident that didn’t actually happen is what allows me to truly enjoy the song. If this had happened… Good God. I can’t even imagine. Might have had to find a new line of work.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen version)”
I really want to like this version of the song, I do, but I can’t get past the feeling that Springsteen is mocking me and my whole thing. Give it another listen, you’ll hear it. There’s this smile in his voice. To which I say: Fuck You, Bruce. You’re a joke, and all your songs sound the same! [Santa takes a deep breath.] Sorry. Got a lot of demons as far as the Boss is concerned. High school girlfriend loved him, got me into his music, blah blah blah. Not worth going into here, but suffice it to say, very little of it is actually Springsteen’s fault. I don’t like his take on that song, though. And I never will.
“Jingle Bell Rock”
Someone needs to ask the people who wrote this song if they understand what rock music is. ‘Cause this ain’t it, kid.
“Santa is the Man”
I know you’re supposed to feed me song titles and I tell you what I think, but this is one I gotta bring up. Because it’s the tits, man. You want rock? This song is it. Seriously, get on Google, it’s a fucking great tune. It’s like, “Santa is the man, and he’s got a plan, and he’s super-strong, and he can get some serious shit done.” Something like that. I keep waiting for this one to really catch on. This could be the year.
“12 Days of Christmas”
Sweet song and all, but I find it exhausting. By the time we get to Seven Swans-A-Swimming, I’m like: This thing’s not done yet? Honestly, though, even just the title makes me feel tired, so maybe I’m a bad judge of this one.
“Frosty the Snowman”
Aw man, I was hoping you wouldn’t go there. [Santa takes a moment to collect himself.] This one, unfortunately, is an example of a song that is based on something all too true. Frosty was a close friend, and not a day goes by I don’t think about him. Time has helped. Those first years after his melting, I couldn’t hear this song without needing to take at least an hour to decompress in my man-cave. I think I’ve turned a corner, though. Hearing the song during last year’s holiday season, it actually made me smile. I can finally hear it for what it is: a very nice tribute to a very great man.
Huge thanks to Santa for taking the time to sit down with me. Happiest holidays, everyone!